It took a global pandemic for me to realize that my self-worth is not tied to my productivity

Before you read further: I really struggled to write this article. Mainly because it felt like I was digging deep into a place that felt really uncomfortable. But I hope sharing my story helps others out there who have similar struggles.

Why hello there! My name is Mae-Gene and even though you don’t know me in real life, you probably know someone like me.

I’m a type-A personality and an achievement-driven human who has chased promotions, grades, and awards.

I used to think I just had high expectations and wanted to strive for the best. My life centered around proving that I was worthy.

In my family, education was the #1 priority. As the daughter of strict Malaysian-Chinese migrants, my family’s story mirrors the typical migrant experience. For as long as I could remember, I was told how both my parents had to leave high school to support their families.

Their lives were filled with financial struggles and self-sacrifice, as they had to give up their dreams of an education. 

But unlike my parents, I had a choice. 

I could finish high school and graduate from university. And my life didn’t have to be filled with the same struggle. 

Graduation day for me – an incredibly happy day for my family.

As an adult, I’m forever thankful that I’ve been able to pursue an education. Education has changed my life and opened many opportunities for me.

But somehow along the way, I gained the belief that my self-worth was tied to my achievements. 

Brief public service announcement: I’m not saying having dreams and goals is a bad thing. If you have dreams – go for them! If you have goals – work at them! 

For me, however, I believed I was only worthy of love if I filled my life with achievement.

Life was filled with incredible highs (when I achieved) and deep lows (when I didn’t). 

Having my self-esteem based on achievements wasn’t sustainable. There comes a point where the achievements stop, or the brief moments of joy they bring simply aren’t enough.

I gained the belief very early on that I was worthless when I didn’t achieve. I was an awful person and I would self-shame internally when I didn’t achieve what I wanted. 

I believed that achievements (mainly related to education) were the best way to gain self-worth. I thought that I needed to earn love through high grades and promotions.

What people like me don’t realize is that: when you don’t achieve, this doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. It just means you didn’t achieve your goal. 

And every time I didn’t win an award or get an A+, I believed I wasn’t worthy of love and I wasn’t enough.

Life swung between the highs of brief self-love when I achieved and the lows of worthlessness when I failed.

As hard as this is to admit, I’ve spent most of my life with this belief.

And I’ve been living with this belief right up until COVID-19 hit the world. 

This global pandemic has forced the world-wide shutdown of many businesses and the movement of people. 

I rely heavily on the travel industry, but suddenly I was seeing everything I had built fall down around me. Like many others, the achievements and goals I was working towards were no longer possible. 

I couldn’t be productive, because I no longer knew what being productive meant. My thoughts began to spiral into feeling immense amounts of shame for my inability to do work.

Who am I without my work?

Who am I without my achievements-in-progress?

What am I without my business?

It’s taken a lot of soul searching and therapy for me to realize that without my achievements and work, I’m not nothing. 

I’m still me. 

I’m still worthy of love. 

As human beings, we are more than our achievements, how productive we are or how much money we make.

If your friend lost their job, would you shame them because they couldn’t be “productive”?

Would you think your friend was less worthy of love your love because they couldn’t work? 

So why do we treat ourselves this way? 

Why do we shame ourselves and think we are unworthy when we don’t achieve things? When we aren’t productive? 

It’s taken me a long time to recognize my behavior. And I know it’ll take me a long time to undo a lifetime of unhelpful thought patterns. 

But what I do know is that despite the insanity that is our current world, losing my income has taught me a difficult lesson about self-worth, achievements, and productivity. 

We are worthy of love, always.

Not just when we achieve, not just when we are “productive”. We are worthy of love independent of these things.